BOYS, MEN AND BABIES

Preface

Although there are quite a few facts included herein, the purpose of this article is not just to disseminate information. The facts and information shared are intended to inspire and make a much needed difference. By clearly presenting facts and developing consensus of focused concern the purpose of this article is to promote collaborative investment in the development of solutions to the problem of fatherlessness and the proliferation of singly parented children.

Boys, Men and Babies

You may have thought only men could 'make babies'. Today we know that boys are making babies too. The procreative are getting younger and younger. Many high schools now sport 'on-site' day care centers for the offspring of their students.

On September 17, 2007, Sean Stewart became a father at the ripe old age of twelve. In an interview Sean showed the poise you might expect from a twelve year old boy (...or man, whichever the case may be) when he said, "I want to be there for the baby and to be part of it all. I want to make sure Emma and the baby are alright. But I want to get my life back to normal. I want to return to school and do my running and play football."¹

He certainly sounds like a healthy boy, but now he has a baby boy, just like a man.

Who are these Fathers?

Who are the boys and men making the babies arriving with their mothers at pregnancy care centers? Are they boys or men…or both? What do they think, feel and believe about their situations? Are they ready to be dads? Do they even want to build a family around their unexpected pregnancies?

Fact: Every father has a father.

They were all babies themselves once, some like Sean, not so long ago. Theses fathers have fathers too.

These fathers have fathers too? What's that supposed to mean?

The growth and development of our physical bodies often directly reflects the degree to which our physical needs are met. Upon meeting a mature adult of gaunt appearance you may wonder what deficiencies caused their physically emaciated state.

What is true regarding physical growth and development also holds true regarding spiritual, intellectual and relational growth and development. Growth is often reflective of the degree to which one's inherent needs are met. It seems that starving children is against both law and moral code however the facts reflect depriving them of equally important spiritual, intellectual and relational nourishment is not. The ultimate price of fatherlessness is taking a visible toll.

Fact: Many of the fathers of the children born to unwed mothers today grew up themselves in single parent homes.²

Over half of all American children today spend at least part of their childhood in a single parent household. This has been a rising trend since the 1950's and remains one of the most obvious self- perpetuating cycles in family demography³. By a grossly large margin the missing parent is the father. Could fatherlessness be the worst social problem facing America today?

“Fatherlessness is the most harmful demographic trend of this generation. It is the leading cause of declining child well-being in our society.”- David Blankenhorn⁴

Fact: Boys who lived with both parents at age 14 waited longer to engage in sex for the first time than did those in other family situations.⁵

With single parenting on the rise and divorce at an all time high one must assume all is not necessarily well in the American home. Clearly, it isn't and that produces a terribly negative affect on the children growing up in them.

Fact: Parental deprivation results in more difficulties in later life regarding sexuality and family life.⁶

Removing just half the parental influence in a boy's childhood years has statistically proven to leave him less likely to achieve healthy and responsible manhood than his peers who had the benefit of growing up with both of their parents.

Of the fathers procreating the babies enwombed in the clients of pregnancy care centers, less than half experienced childhood with both of their parents. Role modeling opportunities they may have enjoyed with both their parents was non-existent.

Fact: Boys generally receive the message that sex and pregnancy are “no big deal” while girls are generally encouraged to 'abstain'.⁷

Where do boys generally receive messages about sexuality and unwed? The internet, advertising and TV? Certainly, we've come to expect that. Messages from peers, music and magazines? Sure, we expect that too. But what are they hearing from their parent(s). Are they getting any messages from them? If so, it is often the same message they hear everywhere else. This plays a substantial role in the decisions boys and men make about their sexuality as well as their attitudes at the moment they discover their unplanned pregnancies.

Their reaction to the unexpected news that they've procreated often includes denial of their responsibility and rejection of the mothers of their babies. After all, she's the one who is pregnant. This explains why so many unexpectedly pregnant women feel alone in their circumstances thus leading to more children growing up in homes without their fathers.

Are these fathers boys or men?

Fact: Almost two thirds of boys and men report having sexual intercourse by the time they graduate from high school.⁸

Boys grow up under a great deal of pressure to 'perform'. Young men cultivate masculine identities that are closely linked to their ability to perform sexually. Many boys engage in sexual intercourse well before you might consider them to be men. Others possess the physical maturity of a man but the emotional, spiritual and moral maturity of a boy.

Fact: Fathers of babies born to teen mothers are often significantly older than their female partners.⁹

On the other hand, almost a third of the fathers of children born to girls giving birth by age 15 are between the ages of 20 and 29. Even more surprising is that the fathers of children born to eleven and twelve year old girls average twenty years of age.¹⁰ This drastic age spread is anything but conducive to the further development of lasting nuclear family relationships. Most men in these circumstances are not motivated to build lasting relationships with girls who, in their minds, were old enough to have sex with, but who they consider too young for long term family relationships.

They are boys and men. Some of them are boys acting like men; some are men acting like boys.

What do they think, feel and believe?

Fact: In past generations, sex was closely linked to the timing of marriage and then parenthood. For today's generation, sex is increasingly separated from the expectation of marriage and concepts of lasting nuclear families.¹¹

To say that boys and men view sexual relationships in the traditional manner is no longer true. The traditions supporting courtship, marriage and then parenthood have been replaced by new traditions that de-value this sequence of events leading to procreation and the sanctity of the human lives procreated. Sexual relationships have been reduced to the equivalent of a warn handshake having little if anything to do with any kind of long term commitment such as marriage.¹² Marriage “is something that is entirely separate from teen sex.”¹³

Fact: These boys and men believe parents are the strongest influence on their decisions about sex.¹⁴

You heard it right. They're telling us the most critical messages shaping their beliefs and values about love, commitment, marriage, and family still comes from their home. Perhaps the most startling conclusion is that these problems are already more than a generation deep. These boys and men aren't departing from the beliefs and values they derived growing up, they're proliferating them. A relatively functional nuclear family is an irreplaceable foundation for long-term founding and growth of future nuclear households.

Fact: According to the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), kids in the United States watch about 4 hours of TV a day.

Today's boys and men have been brought up watching lots of television sitcoms. Two thirds of American boys have their own TV in their bedroom with virtually unlimited viewing options. At four hours or more per day, they spend more time per year watching TV (1,100 hours or more) than they spend in school (about 900 hours). Studies show that teenage boys who watch sexual content on TV are more likely to initiate intercourse or participate in other sexual activities earlier than their peers who don't. Their thoughts, feelings and beliefs are powerfully influenced by the situational ethics, self-gratification and fantasy with no real affect they see acted out.

The migration of what they are watching on TV into their thoughts, feelings and beliefs can be easily seen in their perception of consequences. In TV and video gaming consequences are not real. It's just a game or a show.

Fact: Boys and men who listen to sexually explicit lyrics are almost twice as likely to become sexually active when compared to those who do not.¹⁵

Of all human expressions, how people think, feel and believe is vividly expressed in music. Rather than bash this music for leading to behaviors, one might ask the question, “Which came first, the chicken or the egg?”

In a recently released rap song, the artist's lyrics and expressions elaborate on behavior too obscene to write about. Ironically, he is expressing rage over his absentee and abusive father.

This kind of music may be more of a reflection than it is a cause of beliefs and behaviors. Just as misery loves company, the beliefs and values reinforced in the music may represent the only realities about love, commitment, marriage, and family they've ever known. In the case of the rap star previously mentioned, he may sing songs we don't like-but it doesn't sound like he's happy about the circumstances inspiring his lyrics.

Fact: About two-thirds of sexually active teens wish they had waited longer to lose their virginity.¹⁶

Ironically these same fathers are saying in retrospect that they wish they'd waited. This reveals a deeply embedded moral code of self dignity that can be reawakened under the right circumstances. It is a mistake to assume they have no moral code. It may have been smothered but often it is not destroyed. It can be resuscitated.

In our experience these boys and men have often responded well to the respectfully offered assumption that they want things to be different.

Fact: Ninety percent of boys aged 12-19 believe it is important for teens to be given a strong message from society that they should not have sex until they are at least out of high school.¹⁷

These self evident tenants of their human dignity lie dormant not obliterated. Boys and men possess inherent yearnings for more noble beliefs and values about love, commitment, marriage, and family. Most of them are not so degenerate that they are behaving maliciously. Even though their behaviors are highly driven by external forces that lead them astray their own moral compasses are often in conflict with their choices. On the up side, some statistical data that long reflected a steady worsening trend regarding the issues have begun to level slightly. This could be a sign that the writing on the wall has begun to get this generation's attention.

They are fathers but are they ready to be dads?

Are they ready to be dads?

Fact: Adults ranked the adequate preparation of children for life in five dimensions in the following order:
1st Intellectual
2nd Physical
3rd Emotional
4th Spiritual
5th Moral¹⁸

Seventy-one percent of adults surveyed said that the moral and spiritual preparation of children is inadequate. Surprised? We weren't either. Spiritual and moral preparation is by and large what young men need when navigating sexuality, marriage, procreation and parenthood.

We have to wonder sometimes why we need surveys to understand the obvious. Spirituality and morality have been loosing their rank to more pleasurable pursuits. It is statistically likely that many of the adults who participated in this survey based their answers largely on their own experiences rather than their observations of the behaviors of others.

When the ability to procreate is separated from the duty to be a dad it becomes clear that procreation does not require quality spiritual and moral input on the part of fathers, only his physical contribution. However, spiritual and moral qualities are essential to being a dad. Many of them are operating in a vacuum of spiritual and moral development. One can only imagine the difference helping them in these areas might make. We've experienced it.

Fact: Almost all these boys and men knew of their capabilities to procreate.

Although they were aware of the possibilities, many of the boys and men who impregnate women who become clients of pregnancy care centers were not seeking the birth of a child or long term nuclear family relationships through casual sexual encounters.

Boys and men do not perceive procreation, pregnancy and parenting in similar ways as do their female counterparts. The sexual experience for them concludes in a moment of physical pleasure, but the effects on their pregnant partners are more lasting and significant. She experiences enormous changes and gives birth to a baby regardless of the father's actions henceforth. These boys and men do not possess the ability to experience pregnancy and child birth. Perhaps if they could be subjected to this experience as a preparatory exercise, their perceptions of procreation, pregnancy and parenting would change.

This great gulf between perceptions must greatly contribute to the fact most single parents are women and not men.

Are they able to be dads?

Fact: Upon the birth of their babies, 99 percent of fathers want to be involved in their child's upbringing.¹⁹

So why aren't they stepping up to the plate? Are they able to be the fathers they claim to want to be? What would it take to get them ready? Could many of them become 'ready' if given some instruction, guidance and encouragement?

Fact: Fathers, whether boys or men, express an innate desire to be involved with their children; but cite lack of money, poor relationships, incarceration, substance abuse, and their own lack of involved fathers as barriers.²⁰

They are facing barriers. That in no way makes these boys and men unique. Barriers are a natural part of life. Perhaps part of the message they missed while growing up is that life involves facing and overcoming barriers.

Barriers do not prevent them from doing what they can to abide their duty. They just require them to work at it. They may have also missed the message that hard work is a part of being a responsible man. Learning to contribute their own effort can be a critical turning point for them.

Do they want to work to achieve a lasting nuclear family?

Fact: The majority of them approve of unwed childbearing.

The transmission lines carrying a high esteem for marriage and family have snapped somewhere during the last several generations. Despite of the abundance of modern social science evidence clearly supporting the benefits of long lasting marriages, most of these boys and men are unable to supplant a high esteem for marriage and family. For many of them unwed childbearing is relatively acceptable.

Most of these new parents were not predisposed to lasting nuclear families when they became sexually active and then parents. They weren't looking for a way to move into life long marriages and parenting. Do they want to work at it now? Generally their immediate response is 'No'.

Many of these boys and men falsely perceive that pursuing life long nuclear family relationships is a compromise robbing them of their freedom. So they run. Overcoming selfishness is difficult as we can all attest.

The objective becomes adequately convincing them that they've skipped much of the process and have gone straight to their current reality of being parents. They can accomplish the worthy and reasonable goal honoring the families they've already created by founding and growing lasting nuclear households.

Fact: Children born as the result of an unplanned pregnancy are more likely to be born to unmarried mothers, including cohabiting couples who split up shortly thereafter.²¹

The difficulties inherent in starting a family in this manner cannot be ignored. But getting off on the wrong foot doesn't necessarily guarantee a poor race. The circumstances these boys and men have contributed to appear difficult to them. It would not be fair or right to suggest that helping them overcome their evasive tendencies and lack of relational skills will be easy or flawless. To the contrary, remediating their circumstances will often be a laborious act. Doing so in nine months or less is even more daunting.

There are no pat answers to exactly what it will take to help them create lasting nuclear families from their circumstances. But we can confidently predict this one thing. Doing nothing to help them achieve this goal will result more fatherless children.

Fact: 70 percent of boys agree that a good marriage is extremely important to them.²²

Despite their growing acceptance of unwed childbearing, most boys and men do not wish to begin their own families in that way. Seventy-eight percent of senior boys agree that they expect to marry in the future. They also reject divorce as the best solution when a couple can't work out their marital problems.²³

This seeming conflict is actually good news in a way. It reveals that their moral character is perhaps stronger than we may have thought. This conflict looks like a set of scales tipping heavily away from the founding and strong growth of lasting nuclear households. The scale is tipped because there is nothing on the other side. But what if there was something to bring the scales back into balance?

What we have discovered in fifteen years of ministry is that many people just need something to help them tip the scales the other way. It is hardly ever al they need, but it gets the scale going back in the right direction. We have had many experiences with people in which left alone, there was no reason to expect them to change. But when given the opportunity to counter balance the trends in their culture, their heritage and literally their own lives, they have responded courageously in favor of founding and growing lasting nuclear families.

Fact: In 1970, the median age of first marriage for men was 23.2 years of age. In 2004, the median age climbed to 27.4.²⁴

Something is making them wait longer. What? Meanwhile as they postpone engaging in lasting nuclear families, they continue to engage in relatively uncommitted relationships almost always resulting in sexual relationships, often bringing them into contact with pregnancy care centers through the mothers of their children. Sometimes again and again.

This hesitation to commit may be largely due to their lack of confidence in marriage and family. Not surprising since few of them have experienced a relatively functional two parent household or witnessed a satisfying marriage they would like to mimic.

Fact: Some suggest widespread dissemination of the convincing evidence supporting lasting nuclear family relationships into the academic and policy world might help remedy this problem.²⁵

As if common sense and observation weren't enough, one might imagine that the vast and appreciable social science evidence supporting lasting nuclear family relationships would make a compelling difference. So far it hasn't. We do not believe disseminating this information to the academic and policy making world will have affect unless promoting the founding and strong growth of the nuclear family becomes more valuable at home first.

This poses a bit of a predicament to collaborative investment in the development of solutions to the problem of fatherlessness and proliferation of singly parented children because almost all of the boys and men have left their homes by the time we encounter them.

The upside is that we are encountering them at a time of crisis in their lives when they have an opportunity to create their own home that is founded on a new tradition. Our experience has shown that there is a deep desire in many of them to do this very thing. They just need some help; help that we can most assuredly presume they are unlikely to receive if we do nothing. Young men need more than academic answers and political policy. They need mentoring and role modeling. That is what they missed growing up.

Engagement of boys, men and babies through pregnancy care ministry may represent the most opportune time to engage them regarding such revolutionary change in their lives. At no other time will they be challenged by an event in their lives as solemnly momentous as fatherhood.

What can be done?

Something. Rarely everything, often little, but sometimes enough. With the opportunities so readily available, even slim odds make attempts worthwhile.

Some time ago we had the opportunity to meet a young un-married couple who had become clients of a pregnancy care center borne of their need for pregnancy and prenatal counsel. They had twins.

The pregnancy care center they visited, aware of their great opportunity to add new dimension to their work, and had added a program designed exclusively for the purpose of capturing these opportunities and converting them into lasting nuclear families.

In the process of counseling with this couple the pregnancy care center offered them enrollment in this program. They accepted and completed the seven session course accompanied be another mature couple trained specifically to mentor them through the course offering their role modeling and insight along the way.

We had the pleasure to personally visit with one of these families who in their home two years after they successfully completed the program. We arrived about ten minutes before the father arrived home from work. Their twins had grown into energetic toddlers. An occasional car passed by as we conversed with their mother in the living room. The children, recognizing its unique sound, heard their father's car approach. They couldn't wait to greet their father. An hour or more passed during which you could rarely slide a piece of paper between those children and their father.

This is one of the most gripping moments we have ever experienced. This family's life could have worked out quite differently. These beautiful children could have spent the last two years without their daddy in their home. They sleep at night knowing there daddy is there with them. When he leaves in the morning they know he's coming back home. Because someone did something, every day those children are with their daddy and their mother and they all live together in the same house.

What can be done? Something. Rarely everything, often only a little, but sometimes it will be enough. Even when the odds are slim, days like this day make the attempts worthwhile.

Where do we go from here?

Fact: The factual information shared in this article derived from numerous sources is valuable in helping us develop a consensus of focused concern based on relevant and credible information regarding those we seek to serve.

The vast and appreciable social science evidence supporting lasting nuclear family relationships is compelling and enlightening. But alone it is just information. Good information-but just information.

Fact: Investment in the development of solutions to the problem of fatherlessness and the proliferation of singly parented children will be a collaborative effort.

Pregnancy care ministry represents an enormous portal into the lives of these we seek to serve. Pregnancy care ministries are ideally situated as hubs for this collaborative work to occur.

Fact: The tide has already turned for some.

It can occur for others. To paraphrase something aptly said, 'the only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for good people to do nothing.'

 

Endnotes:
¹https://answers.google.com/answers/threadview?id=261809
²State of America’s Children Yearbook 2000, CDF
³U.S. Census Bureau, March Current Population Survey and Federal Interagency Forum on Child and Family Statistics. (2003). America's children: Key national indicators of well-being, 2003. Washington, DC: Author
⁴David Blankenhorn is founder and president of the Institute for American Values, a private, nonpartisan organization devoted to contributing intellectually to the renewal of marriage and family life and the sources of competence, character, and citizenship in the United States.
⁵Source: National Center for Health Statistics, Fertility, Family Planning, and Reproductive Health of U.S. Women: Data from the 2002 National Survey of Family Growth, Vital and Health Statistics, Series 23, No. 25, 2005; Internet site http://www.cdc .gov/nchs/nsfg.htm
⁶Fathers and Families: Paternal Factors in Child Development. Contributors: Henry B. Biller - author. Publisher: Auburn House. Westport, CT.: 1993. Page Number 8
⁷THE NATIONAL CAMPAIGN TO PREVENT TEEN PREGNANCY www.teenpregnancy.org 202.478.8500 web@teenpregnancy.org
⁸Center for Disease Control, Surveillance Summaries, Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report, P 53 (no ss-2) and http://www.thenationalcampaign.org/resources/fact-sheets.aspx
⁹http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/PUBLICATIONS/factsheet/fsyoungerteens.htm#7#7
¹⁰Males M. School-age pregnancy: why hasn't prevention worked? J Sch Health 1993; 63:429-432.
¹¹National Marriage Project 2005, State of our Unions 2005, Piscataway, NJ, Rutgers University
¹²Motivational Educational Entertainment & The National Campaign to prevent teenage pregnancy, 2004, This is My Reality, The Price of Sex, Washington, DC
¹³National Marriage Project 2005, State of our Unions 2005, Piscataway, NJ, Rutgers University
¹⁴“Parental Influence and Teen Pregnancy,” National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy, 2004, www.teenpregnancy.org.
¹⁵Effect of Degrading Sexual Music Lyrics on Teen Sexual Behavior, Not necessarily "in one ear and out the other"— M. Susan Jay, MD Published in Journal Watch Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine January 10, 2007
¹⁶http://www.thenationalcampaign.org/resources/things-you-might-not-know.aspx
¹⁷http://www.thenationalcampaign.org/resources/pdf/SS/SS6_MaleTeens.pdf
¹⁷The Barna Group, Ventura Calif., Americans Agree: Kids Are Not Being Prepared for Life, October 26, 2004
¹⁷“Promoting Responsible Fatherhood in California: Ideas and Options,” Social Policy Action Network, 2002, www.span-online.org.
¹⁷“Expanding the Goals of ‘Responsible Fatherhood’ Policy,” Social Policy Action Network, 2002, www.span-online.org.
¹⁷http://www.thenationalcampaign.org/resources/pdf/fast-facts-unplanned-among-20somethings.pdf
¹⁷Monitoring the Future: Questionnaire Responses from the Nations High School Seniors 1975-2005, Ann Arbor, MI, Institute for Social Research
¹⁷Flanagan, C., Huffman, R., Smith, J. (2005) Science Says: Teen attitudes toward Marriage, Cohabitation and Divorce, 2002 Washington, DC, National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy
¹⁷US Census Bureau, Estimated Median age at First Marriage., 1890 to present
¹⁷Whitehead, B., Pearson, M (2006) Making a Love Connection, Relationships, Pregnancy and Marriage, Washington, DC National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy

 

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